Since I had to delete my whole blog for my lawyer, my new readers (all four or five of them) missed the whole story. I wish it was till there so everyone could see the big picture. There’s been a lot going on in my head about all this lately, and I am trying to process. I think I’ll be processing for a very long time! I’ve been mulling over a lot about how it was that I went from being a huge proponent of birth/CPS parent support to someone who has a no contact court order for the birth mother of my foster/adoptive son.
I’m trying to really think about everything I’ve learned over the last 18 months, so I can put it into a cohesive thought process and write about it. I thought I could go in, help this mom get her baby back, or at a minimum, support her to make a better life for herself. I had no idea how much it would cost me emotionally. I wasn’t prepared for dealing with someone who was so manipulative and needed love so very badly. I didn’t realize how the amount of time and energy I was putting into SB and his mom would cost me in my relationship with my own teenager and others in my life.
Part of me is starting to think that CPS has it right when they separate the family of origin from the foster family. I see the reasoning behind it now, much clearer than I did before. The other part of me, though, remembers what my lawyer said to me the first day of trial. He said, “You guys did the right thing. You tried your hardest. You had a good goal, you just drew the wrong mom to try and help.” Maybe he’s right. Maybe we just got thrown together in the perfect storm. I’d like to think that under different circumstances, wth different players, we would have had a happier ending.
I know at times I lost my way, and I lost sight of my priorities. I want to publicly apologize to my friends and family who I know at times were shaking their head, wondering what the hell I was thinking. I want to say I am sorry to my oldest daughter. During the last eighteen months, I didn’t listen when I should have, and I wasn’t available when I needed to be. All I can say is that for some reason, helping these kids and BioMom was something I had to do. I was driven by something even I don’t yet understand. It cost me, and it blessed me, in a thousand ways.
I’d like to do this again. I’d like to help more kids, with the experience that I’ve gained. But I don’t know if I trust myself to do it without losing my way. I’m ninety nine percent sure this part of our lives is over. Right now, I am fosucing on my family and my husband. I’m doing Life, as best I can with the vast amount of information I’ve gained about myself since 2010. There are things to heal, and things to savor, and I intend to do both- fully and completely.