I own these things:
- the lack of stability in my children’s early years when I was a single mom and too young to be a mother
- the times I didn’t listen
- the times I wasn’t fully present
- yelling, being too quick to anger, saying things I regret
- the times I put my biological children’s needs aside so I could tend to the chaos that was foster parenting, and to children who were hurting and broken
- the times I spent, distant from my family, while stressed and worried and agonizing over Sugar Biscuit’s potential leaving and all the minutiae of his case
- not always doing my best, sometimes doing what was lazy and easy
- perceived hurts and slights and damage of which I am not fully aware
- the hurts my children suffered due to poor choices i made when i chose their fathers, or due to divorce
- as a Mother, the responsibility lies mostly on me
But I will not own:
- anyone that says I don’t love each of my children with the fierceness of a thousand suns and have anything but the best of intentions
- anyone who says that I haven’t done my dead level best for at a bare minimum at least the last five years, even if it wasn’t good enough
- gossip or slander
I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer and mediation over the last few days, and am realizing how much someone’s interpretation of life events colors how they see things. I can’t change if someone chooses to believe that I acted out of neglect or inattention or a lack of love and care. I simply can’t change it. All I can do is pray and hope that someday, the realization will come that I really, truly tried. I gave all I could until I had no more. I am doing my best. I am trying still. I am, like most of us, simply doing what I think is right, and praying like mad for the best.
We all have the responsibility to look at our lives, at our mistakes and failures, as well as our successes and triumphs. We have responsibility to unpack and examine these things with honesty and see clearly what our roles have been as we’ve walked our path- what we can do better, different, not at all. I hope that I am seeing clearly, from a place of love and the highest truth. I hope those around me are as well. We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. I am changing. Acknowledging.
Interpretations can change, forgiveness happens, miracles unfold, people come back together, better than ever before. I pray, I pray, I pray to be seen as a glass that is half full. To be seen as giving, and not taking, to be seen not only as a Mother, but as a lowly human, bumbling through as best I can. The Divine is at work in my life, the life of my family, even though the work is hard, and the road tough. I’ve invited God in to clean up the mess we’ve made of this place, and hopefully she’s bringing her dear friend Grace. We need all the help we can get.
I accept my frailties, my wrongs, all the ways in which I failed, and continue to fall short of the mark. I am so very, very sorry for all these things. But sorry is not who I am, it is my answer to my shortcomings, my acknowledgment of them. Who I am is loving, and compassionate, and strong. A Force, a traveler, a seeker, a see-er, a mover and shaker and lover and fighter, forgiveness, and so very much more.
Most of all, I am simply and humbly, hopeful.