I found this letter to SB’s birth mom, dated last year, and thought I would share. It’s interesting to read it now that we are on the other side, knowing what I now know. So many of the sentiments mirror exactly how I feel now.
I’ve thought and prayed long and hard about writing this letter. It seems like there are never the right words and I never know how you will take what I’ve written. Not knowing how you are going to take the things I’ve said are why we’re at this point, though. You and I have a history of going back and forth. A history of drama and misunderstandings, and mistrust. I put my foot down before Christmas about the way you we’re treating me and how you were speaking to me. I tried to relay very clearly to you about how our relationship needed to look and what the boundaries needed to be when we spoke a week ago. Yet I found myself back on an emotional roller coaster with you just five days later, last Saturday (in the midst of a family outing, no less). Again this morning, I felt us slipping back into misunderstanding and felt as if you were attempting to manipulate me. I can’t help but feel as if any relationship that we attempt to have will only be a repeat and more of the same. I have tried over the last year to show you a better way, that I believe in you, and that I see a light in you of great promise as a child of God. I have attempted to show you how healthy relationships work, and how to communicate in a healthy a beneficial manner. The problem is, I just don’t think it’s going anywhere. We just keep getting more and more of the same. Maybe it’s impossible under these circumstances for us to work together. I don’t know. What I do know is we aren’t doing each other any favors by continuing to beat our heads against this wall the way we have been. I had hoped that last week’s conversation would set us on a more positive new course, but that’s not happening. What is happening is more of the same, mistrust and blaming, and it makes me deeply sad to think that we cannot continue on this journey together. I simply don’t have it in me any more. I don’t see another way to protect myself, and my family, from negativity, drama, and worry.
My prayer for you has never changed. My dream for you has always been for you to have a whole and healthy life, and for you to become the kind of mother that will be a positive force in SB’s life, regardless of the outcome of this case, and how much contact you have with him when this is over. It’s time for you to stand on your own two feet, and move forward without me. I’ve worried that by being in contact with me, it has somehow slowed your progress, instead of helping you along. Now is the time to see if my worry was reasonable. I hope upon hope that without my involvement, you might now make the major life changes and decisions that will move you forward on your path to wholeness. I will continue to do what I have always done, which is to behave with honor and integrity and grace, and take excellent care of SB. Perhaps at some point in the future we will be able to communicate via phone or text in a way that leaves us both feeling positive and comforted. However, I am asking you to only contact me via letter for the foreseeable future.
I am sure that part of you thinks the naysayers were right, and that I’ve been out to parent your son from the beginning. I am sure part of you thinks my decision to cease contact has something to do with the multiple changes of heart you’ve had regarding SB’s case. I can only ask that you consider my behavior and actions over the last eleven months before coming to any conclusions. I think you find that I have supported, and listened, and sat without judgement. I’ve loved you right alongside all of the children in my home, and I love you still. Again, I am deeply, deeply sad that it has come to this point, but I don’t see another way for all of us to break free from old patterns and try to create a better future. I will continue to wish God’s Highest and best blessings for you, and will hold you in my heart forever.
All My Love-